Just So I Thought.

Just so I thought.

I've told myself these past few days that I needed to make a choice. And yes I did, a little bit I supposed . I made myself believe that it was no longer there. I said I'd give myself a few weeks and then I'll know where I truly stand. But I guess I'm weak enough because I failed. It's been a week that I've told myself, "Nah, I can no longer feel it." Well, that was quite a humongous statement 'coz it was still there all this time. Just hidden. Concealed deep down there.

I know this is going to be tough but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get out of this alive though I might get a lot of bruises. And I'm keeping my hopes up that whatever decision I end up with, it will bring me happiness for the rest of my life. No regrets. No turning back.

I have a lot of contemplating to do, so help me God. I need Your guidance to discern where I truly stand.

Just so I thought.

Hmmmmmm,....

Wow! It's 5:30 in the morning and I'm still awake.

A new day, a new beginning...

I know it's not September yet but it's just a couple of days away. I might be surprise that tomorrow's Christmas already and then New Year. Another list of resolution that I will never fulfill.

I can feel the morning breeze and loving the smell of it. It somehow invigorates me and makes me forget about the world's harshness, thanks to the steaming cup of hot chocolate on my hand. I feel like a little child. It would have been nice if it's drizzling.

Today's going to be another typical Sunday. I will certainly make it as laid-back as possible. Let the time pass by even just for a day. I have been chasing time the whole week so why not spare one day to just read a good book or cook something mouth-watering (but I can't think of any, am still craving for empanada, so to speak ).

And I miss digging my toes on sandy beaches (I'll just imagine doing such.) Hahaha:) Loser that I am, I can't remember the last time that I was on a real beach. I need to do something with my so called current situation. This is not real! Now, this is the time that I hate the rain so much. Rain,rain you need to go away,... So I can go back to my outdoor life.

The truth is. I need to escape. I'm just making excuses.

When It's Past Midnight and Nothing's Brewing

They say that when people can't sleep in the middle of the night, a lot of things run like wild horses in their minds and in my case I'll say it's quite the same. And another two things I love doing on wee hours are taking a shower and eating whatever is left from dinner if there is, apparently there's none for tonight. I'm itching to get out of the house and grab something from the nearby convenience store.

Hmmm,. what if I'll try eating "balut" just for a change? For those who are not familiar with "balut", it is a fertilized duck (or chicken) egg with a nearly-developed embryo inside that is boiled and eaten in the shell, and commonly sold as a street food here in the Philippines.

I guess I need to call out to my equally insane and adventuresome friends to come and join me eat something bizarre, and please God give me the strength to do it. This is just one of my crazy thoughts though, enough with trying everything just for the experience, I really can't picture myself doing it! No, I'll do it because I'm no sissy, as they say there really is no harm in trying. After this I can live life with no fear, I'm done eating a duck fetus anyway!


The aftermath:

Argh, whoever said this is a hearty snack is definitely not telling the truth. Now that I'm done with it there'll be no next time! Oh yes, I did went outside and bought one, and darn it I want to gulp a bottle of vodka now. Bottoms up!

July at Random

It's another humid afternoon in our so called rainy season and I'm thinking of not coming to work. I am delighted though that my head is no longer spinning. I needed a break from all the chaos. What's stopping me anyway?

Recently, I realized I haven't done anything fruitful, each day passed like a blur, and the only thing constant is me imagining the places I wanted to be in and dreaming of the things that I wanted to do most. For now, I'm looking forward to Scott Kelby's photo walk and hopes that I won't be disappointed.

Can Someone Please Spare Me?

Darn! Why is it that some people seem to care less? And why is it that there are some na masyadong pa-importante? Buti sana kung ganun sila ka-importante talaga sa buhay ko! Eh pede naman magtuloy ang pag-ikot ng mundo ko kahit hindi sila nag-e-exist. Hay naku I guess life is never designed to be fair and square. Sometimes you need this type of people to grow up, learn compassion, and again grow up. Or maybe sometimes they exist just to be the "pain in someone else's ass". And why oh why does it happen to be mine?! So does this mean that I failed to grow up if I still get irritated by them? I'm just human for goodness sake!

Spare me of this painstaking situation por favor! Please just for once!

Solemn Escape

I can't believe I am still awake. Here I am staring at the computer not knowing what to do and listening to Mariah's new song "Angel's Cry" (well not really sure if it's newly released, just heard it from my sister) over and over again. Honestly, I cannot discern what the song really means, I'm just aware there's background music. I wanted to switch to some classical songs and hear the sweet serenade of the piano that will help me fall into deep somber.

I guess, I need to contemplate about life more. I needed a physical escape, do some soul-searching in a secluded paradise where no one can reach me. I needed my sanctuary.

Heart-sick, Desolate and Vulnerable

I don't know what's gotten into me this past few days. The atmosphere at home has been jovial for the past few days but then I felt so empty inside, the smiles were merely for their sake, I remembered a friend telling me, "Better let them see that you are happy rather than explaining the melancholy that you're feeling."

I am now all alone, feeling all the desolation all the world can offer. I can feel my heart being ripped out of me. I cannot fathom the reason but I know deep inside it has something to do with "him". Does reminiscing suppose to feel this way? It felt so bitter-sweet. I love reviving the moments we've spent and retracing the paths that we made together but it makes me bluer by the moment. I guess I just missed "him". Well,....

***re-posted from Un Viaje al Incierto; original post date : April 8, 2010

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

I don't know but my instincts are telling me that I might lose a friend soon. I am not talking about a loss that involves migrating or moving out but a loss that might be permanent, well hopefully not. I don't know what went wrong and what made me think about it or rather made me think twice. I was just leafing through something and then... "Bam!" There it was just right in front of me and it struck me real hard. At first I totally ignored it, however it distressed me. Does this "stuff" got to do with me? I can say I am being unreasonable that time. It was just my instinct that's telling me that something has gone awry. Hopefully, this is just paranoia that struck me. I despise losing trust.